10 Things you should Stop Doing in 2020 To improve your relationship

Happy New Year! I honestly can’t believe it’s the start of a new decade!

There’s just something about the new year that can get you in the mood to make changes and create goals for yourself - big or small. 

If you aren’t in the mood to make some lofty goals or big changes, I totally feel that too. I skipped my vision board last year and just went with a word that I wanted to feel. So my advice is really just to do what suits you best. 

It’s easy to create goals for yourself but have you made any goals for your relationship for the coming year? 

I know this type of resolution is less common, however I thought that in order to get those brain juices flowing I’d send you a list of things you should STOP doing in 2020 in order to improve your relationship. Here we go:

10. Stop putting social media first. I get that it’s a great way to connect, and I love watching hilarious videos and catching up on my IG feed as much as anyone, but when your partner feels like they aren’t as attractive to you as your FB feed, there’s an issue. Make an agreement with your partner for some screen-free time each day and hold one another accountable for it. 

9. Stop giving the silent treatment. When you get into a conflict or your partner pisses you off it’s ok to ask for a time-out. A time-out is time to think, time to calm down, time to self-soothe so you don’t blurt out terrible names, and all of the things you hate about your partner in addition to this presenting issue. Giving the silent treatment is so much different. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and when you engage in this behavior you are actually building a wall between you and your partner that can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. 

8. Stop criticizing your partner. Making comments about your partner’s character and personality are also damaging and typically the sign of either self-judgement, or a deeper rooted issue. If you find yourself being critical of your partner stop and reflect - ask yourself, what is really bothering me here? And then adjust accordingly. Ask for what you want and need and make your requests clear. 

7. Stop becoming defensive when you and your partner get into conflict. When you’re busy thinking about a come-back, or all of the reasons your partner is wrong for bringing up a topic that leads to conflict you can’t listen. The argument is also going to last so much longer than if you just stop and take responsibility. Apologize when necessary and ask for clarification if needed. 

6. Stop shying away from deep conversations with your partner. The foundation of a really healthy relationship is knowing your partner’s inner world. Knowing their stresses, their dreams, and their goals. You can’t know these things about your partner if you keep your communication logistical and surface level. In order to have more depth in your conversations you need to create time and space for such discussions. Check in and use open-ended questions daily. 

5. Stop asking your partner to read your mind. This might be one of the most common things I see in my practice. The old, “she should know that this is what I need,” or “we’ve been together for x amount of years, he should already know me!” The truth is that as humans we are continually growing and changing and what you wanted last week might not be the same as today, so stop expecting your partner to know that. Instead, be clear, and articulate what you need. 

4. Stop putting off dates with your partner. I get that you have work, family, and childcare obligations that can keep you from actually scheduling that date, but I want to challenge you to think outside the box! Do you have friends with kids that could also love a date? If so, arrange to swap babysitting duties once a month so that you’re both able to spend time out alone. Dates don’t have to take place at night - can you do a Saturday or Sunday morning coffee, and afternoon hike, or a lunch in the middle of the workweek when your kids are in school? Stop with the excuses a find a way to make it happen!

3. Stop putting your work and your kids above your relationship. So many couples put their kids before their relationship. I get it, I have three of my own, and damn are they needy! But when couples come to see me for counseling they often tell me that they desperately want to keep their family together. But guess what? There is no family without the couple. So if you insist on putting your children or your career first, your relationship is going to suffer. Spend at least as much time, energy, and money on your relationship as you do on the kids and your work this year. 

2. Stop doing more of the same. Tension builds, and then there’s a blow-out fight. Promises are made, and couples agree to try harder, or stop doing something that perpetuates the arguments. Things might change for a little while, but eventually, things go right back, and another blow-out happens. Stop it. If you want lasting change then you need to do something different. Which brings me to the #1 thing you should stop doing: 

1. Stop putting off couples therapy! If you want different and lasting results, you need to do something you haven’t done already. Your relationship can be transformed and you could have a fulfilling and incredibly happy relationship-but not if you insist on doing more of the same. Stop putting it off, stop settling for less, I promise couples therapy isn’t that scary! What’s more scary is being unhappy for weeks, months, and in most cases, years!