Mind-Reading in Marriage
Do you expect your partner to know how you feel, what you need, when you need it?
Couples will sit on my couch in the middle of a conflict, and one will look at me and say something like, “we’ve been together for 20 years, she should know that when I have to deal with work on my day off, I’m going to be upset. She should just anticipate that I’m going to be pissed off that day.”
This actually came from a session I had a couple weeks ago. The couple was upset with one another about how each handled a recent conflict in which PartnerA had to go into work on a day off, and said PartnerB appeared to be completely oblivious to their mood.
PartnerA exclaimed, “you should have known I was upset and needed a hug!”
PartnerB shot back with, “I was in my own world, I was getting ready for work myself, and I didn’t even look up to see the look on your face when you told me you had to go into work.”
PartnerA responded with, “I’m ALWAYS pissed when I have to go into work on my day off, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT! You should've been there for me - you should have given me a hug because you should've known.”
This went on for a while longer, back and forth like a tennis match, until I stopped them.
The fundamental distortion here was that PartnerA was angry, hurt, and ultimately felt lonely because PartnerB had not anticipated their needs.
PartnerB was hurt, and saddened that when they returned home later that evening, PartnerA turned away, didn’t give a greeting, and sulked the rest of the evening, to which PartnerA had no idea why. This just prolonged their disconnection and frustration with one another.
As always, I worked to slow them down in the session, and helped them express how they each felt.
Then we discussed mind-reading, and how we absolutely can not expect our partner to anticipate our needs and wants all the time.
If PartnerA had stated, “man I’m so pissed right now, I have to go into work on my day off. I feel stressed, and frustrated. Can I just have a hug?” PartnerB would have totally obliged and likely went out of their way to send cheer throughout the day via text or in some other way.
When we expect our partner to know what we need, when we need it, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and we set our partner up for failure.
Think about it - we are complex beings, and we don’t always want the same things. Some days we want affection, and other days we want a listening ear or someone to sit next to and say nothing with.
This is your reminder to ask for what you need from your partner.
If you want to be pet like a cat while you snuggle on the couch after a hard day, ask! If you need some time to decompress and want to take a long hot shower or bath, let your partner know that’s what you’re needing!
Know that if you have been stuck in a pattern of asking your partner to read your mind, it’s not always evident that that’s what you’re doing. This could show up as you feeling disappointed frequently in the relationship, and so if that’s the case it might be time to look a little deeper and work on understanding your own expectations and how you may be setting both you and your partner up for failure.
If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.
