Blog
What leads to an Affair?
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how people give themselves permission to have affairs. I know they don’t do it outright - it’s not the first thing their minds jump to. But when I’m sitting with a couple, the betrayed partner always wants to know, how did this happen?
What I've learned is that there is a cascade of things that happen in the primary relationship before an affair happens, and I want to share a few of those things with you.
This can help you either look at your own relationship and work on things so you don’t get to that point, or if you’re in the trenches of affair recovery, it will help you understand how you and your partner got there.
Just as a caveat, I’m in no way blaming the betrayed partner here for their partner’s choice to step outside the relationship. That was their poor choice, and sometimes that choice has nothing to do with them being in an unhappy marriage. (I think that’s important to note before we dive in.)
Before there is even a thought of an affair, many times an erosion begins to happen in the relationship. This erosion chips away at all of the factors that help couples build trust, opening them up for such a vulnerability.
The erosion begins with feelings of loneliness. Couples stop turning towards one another and reciprocating one another’s bids for connection. Some examples are: when you feel like every time you walk through the door and say hello, your partner is too busy for a hug or a kiss. Or when you invite your partner to sit next to you on the couch, and they miss your subtle gesture and move into another room or on the opposite end of the living room.
You may be the one missing the bids for connection - your partner begins to talk about their day, but you’re busy scrolling on your phone or checking the scores of last night’s game and don’t even hear what they have to say.
Those are just a few examples. You or your partner may be reaching out to one another in a bunch of different ways, and not having your bids for connection reciprocated takes a toll.
When your partner doesn’t reciprocate your bids for connection you make meaning of that, and the meaning that people tend to make is, “I’m not important,” or “what I have to say isn’t important.” When you internalize those types of thoughts, you can start to feel lonely and even stop making those bids for connection.
The distance between partners grows when no one is reaching out to connect.
After the connection stops couples can start to live parallel lives. They pass one another, make plans with friends or coworkers, or focus only on their kids. They have logistical communication - where are you going? What time will you be back? What’s for dinner? And stop having the connective type of communication that is so important to keeping marriage strong, “How are you feeling this week? What have you been thinking about?”
At this point couples can find it difficult to reconnect - sometimes it’s easier to keep focusing on the kids or work because you don’t know where to begin, or feel timid in making that connection out of fear of rejection.
At this phase it can start to feel like your partner isn’t there for you. So seeking comfort outside of the relationship through friendships is common, but also dangerous. Spending time out after work, having drinks with colleagues, or staying late at the office begins to feel better than coming home to an empty marriage.
During this stage, conflict can be high or avoided. When it’s avoided, partners begin to suppress their feelings, and then they tend to have big blow-ups over things that might be insignificant on the surface, but are more indicative of the feelings underneath - “I’m lonely, and I want to connect with you!” But saying those things might just feel too vulnerable.
When conflict is avoided, self disclosure is also something that is commonly avoided. You no longer want to tell your partner all about your terrible boss, or run through all of the items on your to-do list for the next day because you internalize that they don’t care, or it’s not important. You may even begin to keep secrets from your partner.
Keeping secrets can begin to happen quite innocently, because it is often done as an attempt to keep from burdening your partner. You might think, “she’s so busy with the kids, she doesn’t want to hear about all my work stress,” or “he’s so stressed with his own work, I don’t need to bore him with my work stresses.”
You or your partner may then turn outside the relationship and begin confiding in a coworker, or someone who is part of your workout crew at the gym. Things typically start pretty innocently. But the moment you begin minimizing your partner’s positive traits and maximizing their negative ones, it can become a slippery slope.
Actively looking towards others in an attempt to feel less lonely, more heard, and understood, can lead in all the wrong directions, and an innocent outing with coworkers, can lead to more and more one-on-one time with a member of the opposite sex that you feel connected to.
I could go on about how that outside relationship can continue to develop, but I’ll stop here. This is where I hope you’ll stop and begin to recognize that looking outside the relationship is not the answer, even when it seems innocent, but it’s a wake up call that you need to do the difficult work to reconnect with your partner.
4 Actual issues disguised as, “Trouble Communicating”
Since I started my therapy practice over a decade ago I’ve taken thousands of calls from people over the phone looking for therapy. The first thing I ask is, “tell me a little bit about what you are looking for help with.” And inevitably within the first minute everyone I have ever talked to about their relationship in one form or another tells me they need help with their communication.
However, in 90% of the cases I have seen, communication is not the biggest problem. There are so many issues that are masked and placed under the category of “communication.”
Simply put, communication is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. Most couples don’t actually have an issue exchanging words, information, or news with one another.
They actually have problems listening, empathizing, talking about their feelings in a constructive way, and dealing with their own triggers which cause them to become flooded, shut down, and unable to focus on their partner’s requests and communication.
Listening
There is an actual art to listening. It doesn’t always come naturally to us and most people listen to the first part of what their partner says, then they think they have the gist of what was said, and they begin formulating their response while the other person continues to speak. While they are formulating their response they tend to stop listening or cut their partner off before they are finished speaking.
At this point the conflict or discussion can become derailed and the focus is shifted onto the fact that the person speaking was interrupted, feeling like they are being dismissed, or there may be a blow up if this is something that happens continually in the relationship.
Instead of formulating your response while your partner is speaking, work on building your empathic response.
Empathizing
You do not have to agree with your partner’s feelings or thoughts to be an empathic listener! (Trust me on this one - I literally empathize for a living, and I do not always agree with what my clients are saying.) Empathic listening is the best way to convey to your partner that you hear and understand what they are saying.
Here’s an example:
Partner 1: “Today was so terrible! My boss has been such a jerk lately and she called me in to discuss everything that was wrong with the project I have been working on and now it’s going to put me back 2 days to make all of the changes to things she already approved last week!”
Partner 2: “Babe that sounds rough, I’m sorry you had a bad day. I could see how that would be so stressful for you to make those changes in such a short period of time.”
Notice Partner 2 did not say anything about how to fix the issue, make any criticisms about Partner 1’s approach, or tell them they shouldn’t be stressed. Your partner may wish for your feedback or advice, and in those cases they will ask. You can also practice asking, “do you need advice, or do you need me to just listen?”
Talking about feelings
Talking about your feelings in a way that your partner can hear is one of the best skills you can learn to improve your relationship. Couples will tell me they’ve discussed how something their partner did or said made them feel, but when I actually sit and break down their conflict with them it turns out they haven’t actually done so and are counting on their partner to read their mind or “just know” based on their reaction.
What not to say:
“I do everything around here! I’m running around all day, getting the kids here and there, trying to get everything done at work, and I’m so tired! I don’t get any support from you!”
It might seem like the partner expressing this has conveyed how they are feeling, however this statement is void of any important emotional dialogue necessary for their partner to hear. Instead, “I don’t get support from you!” is a criticism. This statement is used to convey blame, not to convey how the person is actually feeling. When someone feels criticized or blamed their natural response is to become defensive.
If this person would like help from their partner, they aren't actually asking for it, nor are they letting their partner know what it feels like when they don’t provide assistance.
What to say:
Instead saying something like, “Babe I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately, I have deadlines at work, and running the kids back and forth has felt so exhausting. Can you help me by taking the kids to school tomorrow and picking them up from daycare on Thursday?”
If the pattern continues or the partner is unable to offer assistance, coming back and saying, “I’ve asked you for help, and I get that you can’t pick the kids up Thursday, but I feel so hurt and alone when I don’t have your support. Can you help me come up with any other solutions?”
Focusing on the feelings of hurt and loneliness is important, and it gives your partner an opportunity to respond to your emotions with much less to become defensive about because you’re not attacking, criticizing, or blaming.
Recognizing triggers
Recognizing your triggers can be one of the most difficult things to do on your own. That is why therapy is so helpful. It’s like sitting in your living room and your therapist can ask you to pick up the rug a little and see what is under there, or behind the couch where you might not have looked in a while.
Many times couples have perpetual problems that just keep resurfacing and turning into blow-ups. Remembering the saying, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical,” can be helpful - meaning, if you are having a really big emotional reaction to something, it’s probably a trigger from your past that is resurfacing.
When you are not in the heat of the moment and can take time to think about the reaction, ask yourself, where have I felt this feeling before?
Many times couples aren’t just responding to one another when they are arguing, but they are having an automatic response that is related to a previous trauma.
Having a big reaction to a spouse who appears nit-picky can bring up old wounds that come from having a highly critical parent while growing up. Feeling the need to control your partner’s actions may actually be coming from living with an alcoholic parent where life was very unpredictable. You can read more about how trauma can impact your relationship here.
Once you are able to recognize where your triggers come from, working through them in your own personal therapy or in couples therapy will immensely benefit your relationship.
Is it Ever Too Early to Start Couples Therapy?
I think you probably know by now if you’ve been reading my newsletters that the short answer to this question is no.
On occasion I will get a call from a couple who is engaged or newly married and they will say something like, “we don’t have a lot of issues, but we want to get started on the right foot, do you think it’s a good idea for us to come to therapy?”
To which I will respond with a very enthusiastic - of course!! And then I do a little song and dance and praise them for taking the time to invest in their relationship before things get overwhelming.
I honestly wish that couples would invest their money in therapy rather than a lavish wedding, or that it was more normal for family and friends to gift couples therapy to newlyweds.
*Sigh* Maybe one day.
There are some major benefits to investing in couples therapy early on in your relationship.
I know that therapy can be expensive. But think about it like going to the dentist - if you brush and floss regularly you’re less likely to get cavities. If you get your teeth cleaned every six months as recommended then that gives the dentist an opportunity to detect a cavity early and take care of it before you are in need of a root canal or something more serious.
Starting couples therapy before things get too out of control is like getting a filling. The amount of time and money you’ll be spending in therapy is going to be much less than if you’ve been in the same negative patterns and routines for years.
Finding a therapist who practices Gottman Therapy is also really great at the beginning of your marriage because the protocol for treatment includes the Relationship Checkup, which is an extensive background questionnaire designed to measure various aspects of your relationship.
In most Gottman Therapy practices like Rancho Counseling, you come in first as a couple, complete your Relationship Checkup and then each partner has an individual session with the therapist.
After that you have a second couples session where the therapist will sit down and show you all of the components it takes to have a really strong, healthy relationship.
The therapist will discuss your strengths as a couple, and the areas that you have as opportunities for improvement which come from the conversations the therapist is having with you as well as the Relationship Checkup.
Once those areas are identified you go to work and learn ways to improve the areas that are going to translate to a healthy, happy connection.
Many couples tell us that even completing the assessment is super helpful because it gets them thinking about their relationship in ways they haven't in the past. Couples also report an increase in their satisfaction levels after just 3 sessions, which is before the real work even begins. My theory about this is that dedicating the time and space to focus on the relationship gets couples thinking differently. They feel excited about the process, and happy that their partner has agreed to focus their time and energy on making improvements.
Most people don’t actually know what it takes to have a strong, healthy marriage. They have some ideas - good communication, spending time together, etc., but the Gottman method of therapy is backed by years and years of actual research and gets into the nitty gritty of helping couples understand their communication patterns and learn what truly works.
Much of what people know is by gleaning from what was modeled to them by parents or family members and many times people will tell me they learned what NOT to do because their parents divorced or don’t seem very happy.
Investing your time in the beginning of your marriage will give you some amazing tools to keep in your toolbox for years and years to come.
If you are on the fence about it, give us a call and schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and we will be happy to answer any questions you might have about the process.
How to stop fighting about Money
Money is one of the top 5 issues that causes conflict in marriage. Many couples fight about the budget - who is staying on track and who isn’t, and they often label one partner as the spender and the other as the saver.
Although these patterns are very common, they aren’t truly helpful in getting to resolution. What really matters is what money means to each partner.
When couples come to us with conflicts about money we always start by taking a few steps back and help the couple understand one another’s money story.
It isn’t necessary to have the same values about money as long as you understand one another but most couples don’t actually take the time to do that. Labeling your partner as the spender or the saver is also not helpful and often falls into the category of criticism which we all know is not helpful in working to manage a conflict.
The first step in working to manage the money conflicts is to understand yourself. What is your money story? How you feel about money and the unconscious automatic thoughts you have about money impact the way you spend, save, and view your partner’s spending and saving.
In the Gottman’s book, Eight Dates, they have some great questions about money that can help you understand yourself and your partner. The questions are designed to help you look more closely at how you view things like generosity, power and wealth. I definitely recommend you pick up a copy of the book and start doing the exercises with your partner.
In the meantime, here are some things to think about:
What was your parent’s view on money? Did there seem never to be enough, or was there always more than enough?
Did your parents feel comfortable spending money? What were the messages they passed on when it comes to spending?
Did your family spend money on things like vacations and entertainment?
Was investing important to your parents? Did they donate money to charity?
What did birthdays look like in your family? Did family members buy expensive gifts or throw big parties?
What memories do you have about money - both painful and happy?
What does it mean to have enough money?
Once you understand your own thoughts and feelings about money and where they come from you can have a conversation about it with your partner. Share where your views on money come from and the memories you have when it comes to your family and money.
Take the time to ask your partner about their money story. It is important to listen to understand, not to try and persuade your partner to see things your way. Having different money stories is normal, and finding mutual respect for one another is of the greatest importance.
After you take a step back and find understanding for one another you can start to create shared goals. Do you want to retire early? Is it important to have savings for a home or for your kid’s college?
Sit down and list all of your financial goals and ask your partner to do the same. Once you’ve finished your lists, share them with one another, and compromise on the priority of each goal.
After you establish shared goals you can work backwards and figure out how to make those goals a reality. If you need to budget to get there, this is the time to talk about spending and how it does or doesn’t align with your shared financial goals.
Without buy-in from each partner when it comes to financial goals and the mutual understanding about one another’s money story it is easy to just fight about the dollars and cents!
If you need help having these conversations or understanding your own money story we are here to help! Click here to book your free 15-minute phone consultation.
Making Marriage Last by Building a Culture of Appreciation
Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark.
Want to know their secrets?
Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think!
Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing the secrets of lasting, satisfying relationships, and the specific things that these “Master Couples” implement regularly to keep their relationships from heading in the wrong direction.
I’m also going to share some of the negative patterns that couples who are heading towards divorce tend to fall into so that you can avoid these destructive patterns and focus on counteracting them if they do exist in your marriage:
One of the greatest predictors of divorce is a pattern of contempt in relationships.
Contempt is an ugly pattern and I see it frequently in my office. It honestly makes my stomach hurt when it shows up.
Contempt is typically the response to long-simmering resentments. Couples who are contemptuous take every opportunity to make negative comments about their partners. They sneer, roll their eyes, use sarcasm, name-call, and mock or mimic their partner in a judgmental way.
When I see couples showing up this way it’s difficult to imagine them ever even liking one another - but typically at some point they did.
Usually, early on in the relationship, these patterns did not exist.
Couples who avoid conflict have a tendency to get to this place because they hold on to their partner’s transgressions and rarely voice a need for change. They also wait too long to talk about issues and don’t have open dialogues about problems when they arise.
The good news is that there are ways to counteract this negative pattern. One of the secrets to having a happy, healthy relationship is building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Here are five ways to create a culture of appreciation in your marriage:
Remember the 5:1 ratio. In order to counteract negativity and conflict in your relationship there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiments that are expressed. For every negative comment or interaction, there needs to be five positive expressions.
Express appreciation. Expressing appreciation goes a long way! Make it a habit to tell your partner how much you appreciate their help, their kindness, their affection, or anything else that they do that makes you smile.
Express gratitude. Make it a habit to regularly express gratitude. Say thank you for the little things, and say it often.
Show Respect. Maintain respect for your partner even when you disagree. Don't name-call, criticize, or put them down. Talk about your partner positively to others and in front of others.
Show affection. Regularly reach out to your partner to initiate affection. A hug, a handhold, or a brush of the hair goes a long way. If affection does not come naturally to you, start by getting in the habit of showing affection when saying hello or good-bye and move on from there.
If you feel like you’re in a contemptuous relationship, the best time to start couples therapy is ASAP! Past hurts and resentments should be discussed and processed in order to move forward and make room for building a culture of appreciation.
Keep your criticism to Yourself!
Criticism may start out as a way to rib or joke with your partner, but it can start to happen more often than not and without you even realizing that’s what you’re doing.
I see it a lot in relationships that are on the rocks. Criticism is one of the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse, according to the Gottman Institute, and is one of the greatest predictors of divorce.
The couples that I work with sometimes have no idea the impact that it can have on their marriage in the long run which is why I want to bring it to your attention today.
Criticism usually begins with the word “you,” and often also includes words like, “always” and “never.”
“You never do the dishes when you say you’re going to! You’re so lazy!” ::Heavy sigh::
Criticism attacks your partner’s character and leaves little room for a productive response or conversation. If you think about it though, it makes total sense - do you ever respond to someone telling you what a shitty job you’re doing at something with an open heart, or a, “wow! Thanks for pointing that out for me, I’m totally going to start doing the dishes now…”
Absolutely not!
Criticism actually does the opposite. It’s like a match, and can ignite a conflict into a huge blow up. This is because our natural inclination is to respond to criticism with defensiveness. It doesn’t elicit warm fuzzies, it makes us want to shut down, fight, or point out all the ways your partner is falling short (defensiveness). The bottom line is - it’s uncomfortable.
Have you ever heard the saying, “you catch more bees with honey?” This is precisely the approach you should be taking with your partner instead.
Talking from a place of how you feel about a behavior is so much more effective and will put your partner in a much less defensive place.
Criticism should be replaced with using I-statements and making specific requests.
Example: I feel hurt and lonely when I’m the only one doing the housework. Can you help me by picking up the kids' toys and doing the dishes when I’m working late?
The need to criticize is often the sign of an unmet need. If you stop and take a moment before you lash out at your partner ask yourself, “what is my need here?” If your need is for support then ask specifically for that support.
Using an I-statement to express how not having your need met makes you feel, makes your feeling hearable. We can hear our partner say when they're hurt, sad, or lonely. Those feelings get lost in translation though when they are hidden behind criticism.
If you feel criticism running rampant in your relationship we are here to help! Click here to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation, or join us for our upcoming 6-week, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class beginning in March, 2023. Click here for details and answers to frequently asked questions about this upcoming workshop.
Valentine’s Day Gift Guide From your Couples Therapist
What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? I love asking all my couples this question as the day approaches. I love hearing creative things people come up with, but it makes me sad when I hear them say they aren’t doing anything, “because it’s just another day.”
Yes, it is just another day, but it’s also an extra opportunity to connect with your partner! Showing love to your spouse doesn’t have to cost a ton of money, and it doesn't have to be cheesy.
I want to help you pick out the perfect gift for your sweetheart. But first, let’s do a little prep work. If you haven’t done so already, take the 5 Love Languages Quiz here, and ask your partner to take it as well.
If you don’t know about the 5 love languages, I’ll give you the quick, Cliff’s Notes version: We all have ways that we perceive that we are being loved, and ways we show others that we love them. Those two things are not always the same. When we figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to be loved, we can do things to truly make them feel loved in ways they can feel and hear.
Once you’ve taken the quiz and you understand what your partner’s love language is, you can start speaking it. According to Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, there are 5 ways we show love:
Acts of Service: If this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner goes out of their way for you with an act. Some examples are: making you a cup of coffee in the morning, ironing your clothes, or making you a meal.
Gifts: if this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner provides a token that reminds you they are thinking of you. Some examples are: they pick up your favorite candy when they checkout at the grocery store, they randomly purchase an item from your Amazon shopping cart, or bring you a magnet for your collection when they go out of town for a business trip.
Quality Time: if this is your love language, you perceive you are being loved when your partner makes uninterrupted time to spend with you. Some examples are: they put the kids to bed or help with those duties to create an evening for the two of you to watch a show you love together, or they plan a weekend getaway or staycation for just the two of you.
Words of Affirmation: if this is your love language you perceive that you are being loved when your partner tells you the words you love to hear. Some examples are: they tell you how amazing you look in your new outfit, or make it a point to tell your friends what an amazing job you did at your work presentation, or they say thank you for all you do around the house regularly.
Physical Touch: if this is your love language, you perceive love from your partner when they are physically affectionate with you. This doesn't just include sex! Things like hand holding, hair stroking, and cuddles on the couch are important to you if this is your love language.
In the above examples I was providing information for you - the reader. But in order to select the perfect gift you’re going to want to know what your partner’s love language is. Speaking their love language is about providing what they need in order for them to feel loved.
So, If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, think about providing a service to him or her that they’d appreciate. Book a car detailer to come out on Valentine’s Day to have their car completely cleaned and taken care of, or do it yourself. Schedule a housekeeper or professional organizer to come out and get your home spic and span.
You could also do a dinner at home where you prepare a special meal while your partner relaxes on the couch - if this is your gift of choice be sure to clean up the kitchen and make it look as if this never happened once you’re finished.
If your partner’s love language is Gifts, this might seem like an easy one. But put some thought into it - have they mentioned having their eye on a specific purse or clothing item? Can you check into their Amazon account and purchase items from their wishlist or that have been left in their online shopping cart? Bring home their favorite flowers and candy, or frame their favorite photo and wrap it up for them.
If your partner’s love language is Quality Time, set up a babysitter for an evening and order in. Instead of turning on the TV, play their favorite music in the background and try some conversation cards like these . Or download the Gottman Card Deck app and take turns asking and answering questions together.
You can also sign up for my upcoming workshop, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, so that you ensure you’ll be spending 6 weeks of quality time with your partner learning how to have a stronger connection.
If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, create a list of things that you love about your partner and deliver a note including one item each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. You can use post-its on the bathroom mirror, or create a giant heart out of them and present them all together on V-Day.
Another option is to have a love song made for your partner that is exclusively about your relationship through songfinch.com or a similar site. You can also frame your wedding vows if you created personal ones, or take this opportunity to create new vows and frame them or write them as a poem.
And finally, if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, check out this tutorial on how to give a great upper body massage. Pick up some massage oils, and set the mood to provide a great stress relief for your partner.
Another idea is to book a dance class for the two of you to learn a fun new dance like salsa, or bachata where you can be close to one another while trying something new.
I hope these ideas are helpful! I do not receive any commission on any of the links provided, I just want to help all my couples have a wonderful Valentines Day!
Reply to this email and let me know if you decide to gift anything from the list, I’d love to hear from you!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help
When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.
They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over.
Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.
Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.”
It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin.
The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have.
The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope.
⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”
For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it.
If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of!
It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another!
Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!
Will Marriage Counseling Help?
This is one of the top searches on google. Most people want to know if something will work before they invest their time and energy into it. It’s the reason sites like Yelp are so popular and customer reviews are the most read part of product information.
Marriage counseling absolutely does help but under certain conditions.
Here are 3 things that will give you much better results from marriage counseling:
1. Seeing a therapist that is an actual marriage specialist.
Finding a couples therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, CA can be tough - it’s hard to find the right therapist in any area (I’m speaking from personal experience - it took me 6 months to find my therapist and I”m a therapist who knows what to look for!).
But if you wanted an eye exam you would see an ophthalmologist, not a podiatrist. You also wouldn’t see a generalist.
In our practice we have one main focus: couples. Through our education and training we have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but have come to find that working with couples is our forte, and it’s what we are most passionate about. Because we have dedicated our practice to working with couples it means that all of our continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that we can in this subject area, and we have attended many, many trainings that can help us be better clinicians in this exact area.
This is what you want to look for, not Suzy Save’em-all who specializes in everything A-Z and takes a new training every other month based on whatever she needs to learn to help clients she’s feeling stuck with.
2. You attend sessions frequently and for an optimal amount of time.
At Rancho Counseling we recommend weekly therapy, and tell couples to plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months.
Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning.
Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time.
Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change.
3. You and your partner show up and are ready to work. Many people make the mistake of thinking the therapist is going to do the work for them, and that just by showing up their relationship will be fixed.
A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way.
You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy.
If you discover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change.
If you have any questions about how couples therapy can help, or just general questions about therapy, ask away! I LOVE hearing from you! Leave a comment below or schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.
Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing
After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over.
The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard.
As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed.
With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired.
As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting.
I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another.
You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place.
Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.
I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start.
But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment.
Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address.
Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard.
My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs.
When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.
Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing!
What is that for you?
What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner?
Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling?
Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?
Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you!
Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm!
Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure!
Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!
When work causes Anxiety
Do you ever get a pit in your stomach when you think about going to work? Or meeting with your boss or a potential client?
Your palms might get sweaty, your throat might feel dry, you might feel nauseous or get that sinking or butterfly feeling in your stomach.
Over the last couple of months these are some of the anxiety symptoms I’ve helped clients clear with Brainspotting. Most of these difficult symptoms cleared after just one session.
One. Session.
Think about that…
Have you ever had trouble sleeping the night before a big meeting?
They don’t call it the “Sunday Scaries” for nothing - it’s a pretty widely accepted thing to feel anxious on Sunday about the work week ahead.
But what happens when you absolutely can’t go to work because your anxiety and panic is just too high?
It might seem extreme, but I’ve known plenty of people to take leaves of absences, or stress leaves from work.
When I worked in county mental health, stress leaves were just part of the culture.
But I’m here to tell you, that is not normal!
You don’t have to accept that! You should feel confidant, calm, collected, level headed, and ready to tackle whatever your boss has to say, or whatever the project has in store for you.
We’ve all got to make money, my friend.
{I’m still waiting for that distant, filthy, rich aunt, or uncle to leave me millions in their will too}
But making money shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental health.
You also don’t have to be in an intense, high stress type of job to experience work-related anxiety.
Many times the stress and angst people experience is actually rooted in feelings of not being good enough, not producing enough, or just not being enough. Most of those underlying beliefs come from family of origin or childhood.
When we help clients find a brainspot and do some deep, focused processing, those old beliefs move from the hind-brain (where they produce mostly involuntary bodily responses) to the prefrontal cortex, and no longer produce physical, fight or flight symptoms.
I'm talking about heading to the office, singing to the music all the way there, sitting in a meeting with your thoughts cool, calm, and collected, being asked questions and responding without a quiver in your voice, or a second guess, feeling grounded and in your power.
These are just a few of the ways my clients have described feeling after their Brainspotting sessions, and this could be you too!
Does this sound like something you’d like? Do you want to feel more joy, presence, and confidence at work?
You can request a free 15-minute phone consultation and our intake coordinator will answer all of your questions about the process, and get you booked with one of our therapists to have you on your way to less Sunday Scarries, and more presence and ability to focus on whatever you’d like to be enjoying instead!
Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?
I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.
The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things.
One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together.
Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “No we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.”
I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?”
It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection.
So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why:
If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.
If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue.
If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said.
In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked.
When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this:
In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way.
This is mostly behavioral change.
After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns.
This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy.
The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving.
The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins.
This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior.
At this point in time, a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship.
Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship.
I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy.
If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes.
But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better.
Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship.
When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it!
Are you suffering in silence?
When Marriage Feels Hopeless
How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless?
My guess is way too many.
But why do we suffer alone, in silence?
I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.”
I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.”
Along with other things like:
“People will judge me.”
“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.”
Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them.
Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.
But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.
It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard.
It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions.
Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job.
If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that.
Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone.
One of my favorite parts of the therapy process is the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.
We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you don’t just come in and see how things go.
Our staff takes the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship.
After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another.
We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.
All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement.
Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward.
Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages.
You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner. Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward.
Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together.
You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together.
The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.
Questions to ask a Marriage Counselor in Rancho Cucamonga
When Marriage Feels Hopeless
Finding a marriage counselor in any city is hard! Living in Rancho Cucamonga you are thankfully in a nicely populated area that gives you a few choices when it comes to marriage counseling. So let’s say you’ve done the legwork - searched google, yelp, and maybe asked around to a couple of friends and you’ve gotten a list of marriage counselors that seem nice enough. They will likely offer a free phone consultation, but what should you say and ask when you get on the phone?
Questions to ask a marriage counselor in Rancho Cucamonga
I know how hard it is to find a great therapist! You might be wondering how I know that - if you think your therapist doesn't have a therapist, then you’re mistaken! Most great therapists have their own therapist. It’s really important that we continue to do our own work and have a place to process so we can best show up for our own clients. But it took me months to find a therapist so I know how dang hard it can be!
It can also be hard to come to the realization that you need to hire someone to help you with your marriage, but a great marriage counselor is worth their weight in gold! It makes a huge difference in the results you will get when you hire the right marriage counselor, so let's talk about the right questions you need to ask:
What is your specialization?
If you are looking for help with your marriage, the first thing you’ll want to make sure is that the therapists you are consulting with are actually trained marriage counselors. If you were having a problem with your foot, you’d see a podiatrist, and if you needed a cavity filled you’d see a dentist. This is the same principle here - you are going to want to find the right professional for the job. Marriage troubles require a specially trained marriage counselor - not a therapist who tolerates working with couples from time to time.
What type of marriage counseling do you do?
There are a couple different modalities of marriage counseling and you will want to ask about the marriage counselor’s way of working so that you have an idea of what to expect. Some of the most common and effective modalities are Gottman Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).
Do you take insurance?
Insurance is the least important factor for me when I think about finding the right person for the job. That’s because marriage is one of the most important relationships in your life, and if you are on the brink of losing it, or if it just isn't as fulfilling as you’d like, that causes so much pain and heartache and finding a highly trained specialist is going to help work through that pain much quicker than a marriage counselor who is just trying to figure things out week by week.
I do also understand that it can be costly and if you aren’t able to pay out of pocket and must use your insurance to cover sessions, make sure you ask the marriage counselor what insurance panels they are on and what the copay is. You also will want to call your insurance company and make sure that marriage counseling is covered - sometimes they only cover individual or family counseling, depending on your plan, but you will want to know upfront so there are no financial surprises.
What is the process like for new couples?
Some marriage counselors have an intake session the first session, some have more. Some marriage counselors like us at Rancho Counseling have a very structured, 4-step process for all new couples that includes couples and individual sessions as well as an extensive background questionnaire to get a full picture of what’s happening with each couple we work with right at the beginning so we can help them reach their goals in a timely manner.
These are the most important questions that I think of when my friends are looking for marriage counselors in Rancho Cucamonga and I am offering my advice. I hope this helps you find the right marriage counselor!
If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call us at (909) 600-0306 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with marriage counseling, you can read more about how Rancho Counseling can help here.
Why Marriage Counseling is not a Quick Fix
When Marriage Feels Hopeless
“Five minutes to freedom.”
“15 minutes a day to make six figures.”
“Change your entire life with this hack”
I don't know about you but my IG feed is FULL of clickbait titles like this. My email inbox is also full of headlines like this.
Social media and marketing are made to grab our attention and pull on our heart strings. People want to sell us on the notion that we aren't good enough without whatever they have to sell us.
The therapy space is a little different. I’m not a coach. I’ll never claim to be a guru, and I’ll never splash photos of me and my husband across the Internet asking people - do you want what I have? The truth about those types of posts and emails is that anyone can portray their relationship any way they’d like. Social media is the highlight reel, and anyone who claims that having a great marriage comes easy is full of it!
The truth is, I don’t have a quick and easy way for you to have the marriage of your dreams. Marriage is like anything else in that the grass grows where you water it.
I’ve seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of clients over the past 15 years. Not all of them stick with me long-term, and I’d be lying if I told you they did {but clearly you know that I cannot physically see 1000 clients in one week - my max is actually 12}.
The reasons people quit therapy varies: Some of them don’t click with the therapist, some don’t want to make the financial investment, and some really want a quick fix.
This last one is probably the hardest for me to see. I try to be as honest as possible about what couples can expect when they start marriage counseling. I tell them that they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, and if they are going through infidelity recovery, it will be at least a year.
Those are rough estimates. Most of the patterns that keep couples stuck in cycles of blow-out arguments, silent treatment, and other unhealthy patterns are due to each individual’s unresolved traumas.
When people quit therapy and say that it isn’t working, it’s usually because they are unwilling to look at their own patterns and want so badly for the pain to end. Having a weekly reminder of what isn’t working is difficult and I’m totally aware of the lack of motivation that can hit you when you’re having a great day but you know that you have therapy later and are going to be encouraged to look at some heavy stuff.
It’s easy to think that because you’ve been able to string together a few good days with no fights or negativity, that the relationship will be fine. But how many times have you thought that already, only to end up in the same place - hurting and looking for a way out?
Marriage Counseling is hard.
Marriage Counseling is a commitment.
Marriage counseling will not improve your relationship overnight.
Marriage counseling will only work as hard as you do.
But that’s why my clients are some of the bravest people that I have ever met!
The clients that stick with it, hunker down, and brace themselves to do the work - the ones that continue to show up week after week get stronger and stronger, and when they weather the eye of the storm, they come out on the other side with soooo much love, intimacy, self-discovery, and pride.
Graduating couples from marriage counseling is the greatest perk of the job. The last session I have with couples is about reflecting on where they started. We talk about the ups and the downs, and then celebrate the new fulfilling connection they have worked so hard to create. It’s so much fun!
Thankfully there are also ways to make the process a little less challenging. Have I told you about Brainspotting yet? Actually, I know I did, I sent you an email about it a while back, but in case you didn’t get to it, I’ll link info here. (No hard feelings, I promise I don’t judge if you’re not fully reading every word I send you ;0)
Brainspotting helps speed up the process towards healing.
When I work with couples and one or both are struggling because they have unresolved traumas that are being triggered, I hit pause on our couples work and we do one or two sessions individually to work on those triggers and they feel so much relief once we do! Then we dive right back into our couples work and can keep moving forward.
Before I was trained in Brainspotting this intersection when the trauma was triggered was such a challenge, it could take months and months to help the couple as a unit to get past this.
I know I told you I don’t have a quick fix and that still rings true. Clients are still working while they are Brainspotting. They are still feeling big emotions and it is challenging, but it’s much more comfortable than walking around with it bouncing around, untethered.
I also always end my Brainspotting sessions with an expansion spot - I help clients find something they’d like to feel; that might be peace, calm, excitement, or confidence, and they get to connect with that feeling in their body and it makes processing the difficult stuff so much more manageable!
If you’re ready to do the work and have a truly transformed relationship I want to help! Click here and book your free 15-minute phone consultation, and we will find the right therapist in our office for you!
When Marriage Feels Hopeless
When Marriage Feels Hopeless
When that rage burns through your body like a dragon breathing fire because you feel like your partner is just never going to get it, do you feel like just burning it all down?
Do you want to throw in the towel and wave your white flag?
Do you feel like locking the front door and just walking away completely?
I feel your pain.
I know it feels like things will never get better.
I know these cycles can make you become paralyzed and withdrawn and it makes it hard to focus on your work and your kids.
That feeling is terrible - feeling so stuck and not knowing what to do next, the guilt and the shame.
You can go back and fight it out again, or you can retreat and try to soothe yourself with the usual - social media, shopping, drinks with friends, or maybe a trip to the gym…
They make you forget about the rage, the sadness, and utter disappointment of being in the same place you’ve been in for way too long.
But they are only temporary.
That’s not how you truly want to live. You don’t want to be numb and disconnected, and you’re probably really missing out on your kids' lives and giving them too much screen time because you just don’t have the energy to be engaged like you want to be.
I’m not judging you. I know you’re doing the best you can do right now. But we both know you’re capable of so much more.
I want to remind you of a couple things:
I want to remind you that you’re still in your relationship for a reason, probably multiple reasons.
Maybe it’s your kids, or the life you’ve built together, and there’s probably still a lot of love there. Those things are so important to you or you’d be googling attorneys in your area rather than scrolling tiktok.
I also want to remind you of a different time in your life.
You can probably remember a time when you felt so happy and connected to your partner. A time when you were in love and had so much hope and excitement for the future.
I know that you think about leaving and it might be hard to even remember a time when you weren’t fighting.
But not being able to remember doesn’t mean that those happy times did not exist. It just means that you’re exhausted from being on the merry-go-round of fighting.
Does this sound like a familiar cycle to you: Do you blow-up, push away, give the silent treatment, and then start speaking again when you have to (because of some shared commitment), and then extend an olive branch somehow and return to homeostasis, until the next time?
I know these cycles so well! I know them because I see them day after day. When couples step into our offices for the first time we always ask them to describe the dance they do when they get into fights and while every couple is unique the cycles sound pretty similar.
I know that this cycle is so frustrating because not only is it exhausting, it’s also not productive. You’re not actually solving any of the issues that are causing the blow-ups, and you know that you’re going to have the same argument again in a couple of weeks.
If you’re ready to get off the merry-go-round and start communicating in a way that makes you feel heard, respected, connected, and loved, we want to help. Click the link below to book your free, 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you set up with one of our expert couples therapists and help you stop feeling like you’re ready to burn it all down!