The Silent Treatment
Do you give the silent treatment?
You know. You're pissed off after a blow up or spat with your partner and suddenly you're super busy - rage cleaning, or organizing something you'd never take the time to do otherwise.
Staying busy, not making eye contact, and not having to talk lets him or her know just how unimportant they are, right?
But that’s the thing - it makes your partner feel unimportant, among other things. So stop doing it! And keep reading because I want to teach you what to do instead:
The Gottman’s call the silent treatment “stonewalling” - it's when you or your partner withdraws, shuts down, and closes off- like building a wall. After a while this becomes a habit, and over time it can cause your partner to check out as well. I mean, what else should they do when you are literally pretending they aren’t there!?
So why do people do this if it’s so damaging?
Stonewalling is generally a response to what's physiologically happening in the body during a conflict. We call this flooding. When you get flooded your nervous system goes into overdrive; you get a rush of brain-altering hormones, your heart rate increases, and you go into fight or flight mode.
People who tend to choose flight are those that typically Stonewall and give the silent treatment. They walk away and slam a door, or just say, “F-you, I’m done!”
Clearly there's a lot going on underneath those outward behaviors so what do you do instead?
The first thing you can do is come up with a signal that you can share with your partner to indicate when you're feeling flooded. It could be a hand gesture {but try not to make it the middle finger!} It could be a word or phrase - l've heard some couples shout out their anniversary date, which is a sign that they really want to preserve that love they truly have deep down.
This is going to take some communicating when you're not in the middle of an argument, in a separate conversation come up with something you can mutually agree on - bonus points if it's something funny. That can definitely help diffuse the tension!
The next thing you need to do is retreat. Walk away and practice self-soothing. Take 20 minutes to reset your physiology. Don't sit and stew in your self-righteous indignation or perpetuate thoughts in your head about why you're the victim and your partner is wrong!
Focus on your breath, pop in your headphones, and listen to a guided meditation. Take a walk, listen to music, or watch something funny on TV. A Netflix comedy special work wonders!
When you're feeling more calm and like yourself, then you can re-engage with your partner and discuss the conflict.
If your partner is the one who typically gives the silent treatment, the best way to navigate this is to let them cool down, and at a time when you’re able to talk calmly, have a conversation about how their stonewalling makes you feel. Let them know you understand it's a physiological response to their feeling flooded. Come up with the cue as discussed earlier for him/her to let you know when they need to disengage. You can even share this blog post to help them understand what you mean.
Creating lasting changes in relationships takes time, effort, and practice, so be patient with yourself and your partner!
If this is something you can’t seem to change on your own, therapy can be incredibly helpful! Don’t hesitate to reach out! You can book a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here.
