What is Couples Counseling REALLY Like?

Why would I want to spend a bunch of money for someone to tell us what our problems are, or for you to just try and convince some stranger that I’m a terrible partner?? Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

Couples therapy can sometimes seem like a mysterious process, and if you've never experienced it before, you might be wondering what it's all about. Keep reading, because today I'm going to break it all down for you!

Therapy is kind of a mystery because #1, it's confidential - so most people don't talk about what actually goes on behind that closed door. #2, it's really different for everyone because no two people or couples are alike. 

In addition to those two factors, no two therapists are alike. I seriously dislike 99% of all therapists that you might see in movies or on TV. I mean, have you seen the therapist on YOU?? The media does a terrible job at depicting us.

If you are curious about what a good example of therapy looks like, I highly recommend the book, Maybe you should talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She's a therapist who gives a behind the scenes look at a therapist’s world, and in the book, she also tells the story of her own therapy (because yes, therapists also go to therapy because we know the value.) But what I love about this book is her humor and candor! 

Anyhoo, I digress... 

All therapists are not created equal, and we all have different ways that we run our practices, and what we call, theoretical orientations - which is kind of like the lens in which we see and focus on things with our clients.

I personally specialize in working with couples, and have dedicated the last 10 years to learning and really honing my skills in this area. 

I'm trained in a couple of different orientations - but the one I use most in my work with couples is the Gottman Method, and I mention them a lot in my blogs. This method is backed by years of research and when couples are all-in, and are dedicated to doing the work in, and out of session, they see some awesome results!

So what is couples therapy actually like? Let me walk you through MY process, because remember, not all therapists work the same way, so I can only really speak to my own process: 

In the first session I ask very similar questions when I'm meeting a couple for the first time. I want to know what their goals are for counseling, and I ask what their relationship will look like 3-6 months from now if therapy is working for them - what changes do they want to see?

In the first session I also get a relationship history. I want to know how they met, and all of the significant milestones in the relationship like the dating period, engagement, marriage, moving in together, having kids, jobs, relocations, etc.

I also talk to the couple about what's brought them in to counseling and ask them to discuss what they have done in the past to try to remedy these issues. When we discuss their current issues, couples typically get into an argument and I allow it because I’m assessing their communication and the patterns they get into.

Couples usually have a sort of dance that they do, arguments typically start the same, the middle looks similar, and then they usually end the same. So in order for me to best help them, I need to understand what that pattern looks like.

At no point during this or any of my sessions with couples do I play referee. I think this is a really common misconception about couples therapy. The therapist isn't there to say who's right and who they think is wrong, and they aren't there to try to get your partner to see it your way. That would just be a big waste of everyone's time and energy because that doesn't produce lasting change.

After that first session I send my couples the Relationship Checkup- it's an extensive background questionnaire that measures various aspects of the relationship like communication and connection patterns. They complete this assessment at home and then they each come in for an individual session with me.

In the individual sessions I talk with clients about their personal histories and backgrounds because this plays a huge role in the way each person relates and interacts in the relationship.

After that I have them come back as a couple. In that couples session I compile all of the info that l've gathered from the conversations I’ve had with them and all of the results from their Relationship Checkup, and I discuss a plan with them. We talk about what a really strong and healthy relationship looks like, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what its going to take to get them where they want to be. 

And then we dive in from there.

This roadmap looks different for every couple based on their specific needs and issues.

But as an example, if a couple is really struggling with having a lot of conflict, the work is going to be about ways they can manage their conflict more appropriately. This happens over the course of many sessions with them bringing up conflicts they are having at home. 

Sometimes they will describe the issue and get back into it on my couch and I will help them slow down and understand the various patterns they are falling into. I give them the tools to try and work on the issues in and out of sessions. 

So that, in a very large nutshell is what couples therapy looks like. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to reach out!